In any relationship, romantic or platonic, love and respect show up not as grand gestures, but heavily in the number of times you have to say the same thing.
Once should be enough to say, “I trust you with something vulnerable” or “this matters to me.”
Love listens differently. Love doesn’t look for loopholes…doesn’t minimize. Love does not wait until it becomes convenient. Love responds.
And when it doesn’t…what begins as patience slowly becomes tally marks. Each reminder adds weight. And quietly and suddenly, resentment roots where inconsideration becomes predicable.
We should not have to manage someone’s memory or negotiate their motivation and being heard should not equal being a nag.
The reminders, hints, and huffs are not the tell. The amount of time your brain is quiet in the peace their presence creates in your life is. And when done well, once is enough.
A friend said to me Saturday “…unfortunately we are on the side of life where we will start to see more death,” after talking of a high school friend’s passing and I’ve been digging up memories ever since, reliving happy moments and accepting her hard truth of this phase of life.
Tonight as I’m going through boxes of old photos, I find a box I packed up in 1998 when I moved from my parents’ house that hasn’t been opened since and it had the sweetest 2nd birthday card from my great grandmother (my mother’s mother’s mother) addressed to me with the signature birthday dollar still in it right next to a yellow crocheted doll she made for me.
Postmarked February 25, 1981, and delivered to me USPS from the house I remember in Chickasaw for $.15 with handwriting that reminded me she was already aging by the time I was born, and the word “belated card” written above the greeting because she knew she missed it. She added the note “I love you little one and want to see you. MaMa Hearn xxxxxx” and sealed it with a crisp 1977 dollar bill from her purse inside.
I’m not sure if what made me cry was to touch the dollar bill she touched that hasn’t been handled for 45 years or to simply read a note written just for me from someone long gone for the first time 45 years later, but either way I did. It felt good to get a warm hug from her spirit and to hold the doll she so lovingly crocheted with her hands just for me.
That God wink reminded me that even after death we can still feel the love of the ones who aren’t with is any more…maybe in a bird, a song, or even a 44 years and 11 months old 2nd birthday card.
6 years ago on this day I wrote about the day my Papa passed and today I’m putting it here for my grandkids to see when they’re older.
I never truly envisioned what Mary looked like when Jesus died until I saw my grandmother quietly lean over my grandfather and softly weep as God welcomed him into Heaven. Hearing her pray and thank Jesus for every moment they had, for his life with her and the family they created together was just beautiful.
Being there when someone passes on is special, it’s something I prayed God would give to my kids and me and He graciously did. Being able to witness a love that runs so deeply and pure in a marriage your whole entire life is one of life’s most precious gifts, it’s just not a gift you know to ask for for yourself. But God gave it to me anyway. The immeasurable honor of being witness to their marriage, seeing the respect they had for each other and the love between them has been a blessing I can’t explain.
Tonight I am especially praising God for the gift He so graciously handed me in being their grandchild and all the experiences that came with it. Most of all I am thanking God for providing me a forever reference on the art of unconditional love.
2025 taught me a lot about how people give and receive love. I learned the real differences between avoidant personalities and anxious lean-ins. I was schooled in mismatched effort, watched past untreated trauma hijack the present, and got uncomfortably close to a few runners along the way.
Something I’ve noticed in my 40s is how often I try to fix things that aren’t actually my responsibility. The tricky part about being the revealer, the make-it-happen-er, or the compulsive helper is that it feels like a deep bond to the one doing the giving…and like a ten-day antibiotic to the one getting “fixed.”
People will absolutely let you be their medicine.
They’ll let you drive to them, give your time, donate your talent, buy for them, fix things for them, pour into them, talk them up, build it, write it, design it, clean it…whatever you’re good at. And as long as you don’t show them your needs, you’ll have what looks like a wonderful relationship blooming…right up until your resources are used up.
That tight, sour feeling in your face, the one that makes you scowl when you think about how poorly they treat you the moment you stop performing – that hits like rejection. It’s the rejection our inner people-pleaser child managed to delay and hoped to avoid with all the good deeds and “I helped” gestures.
So what if we normalized internally auditing why we do things for people?
It isn’t always altruistic. Sometimes we’re auditioning, hoping our super-awesome effort earns us a main-character role in someone else’s life. And sometimes we truly give simply because we can, with no expectation of return – the healthiest version we can only really do by being the healthiest version of us.
But all the time, we need a safe place to be imperfectly human. A place to mess up, have needs, cry, and let someone else extend their resources to us….fill our cup, too.
Health-check yourself before choosing whose medicine you take, so you know how much of yours you can give, and where it will actually do the most good. Health-check your relationship with God first…there’s a great chance you have a God sized hole you’re trying to fill with acts of service.
The goal isn’t to stop giving or to love less, it’s to give from a place where you’re also allowed to be held, loved, fulfilled, and at peace with the outcome.
It’s a slippery slope imagining what you “deserve” – but there’s a point in life where you do realize what you need and that should be completely congruent with what you actually do expect to get out of the ones you call “friend.“
A few of those things may include loyalty, consideration, kindness…if you’re lucky add generosity of time and resources.
So what happens in our relationships when our basic needs of loyalty and consideration are forgotten, disregarded, or considered “unwarranted” by the ones we most expect them to be seen from?
They suffer. They change. They degrade and downward spiral. They need conversation and healing and time does not fix that shit. Hard conversations, vulnerability, and the talent to see a concept just beyond your peripheral vision does.
Taking the time to took left and right into your blind spaces of the friendships you cherish is an outstanding quality in a human. May we all have the energy to do so and may we all be afforded the time….and when we are afforded those words may we respond with truth and transparency.
If you’ve lived long enough as an adult, you’ve experienced some relationships that just seem to accumulate debt. The kind where the other person took more than they deserved or maybe didn’t give enough to keep their relational credit up.
But what about the new relationships? The ones where you don’t have any debts or overdue bills…No long pattern of unmet expectations to suffocate your need to be seen or heard.
Be cautious not to allow a bad debt affect another person’s chance to build credit with you. Learn the red flags but don’t get so wrapped up in expecting to be disappointed that you miss a whole chance to be loved well and finally charge off the bad debt from those old relational accounts.
You’ll be happier when you learn to look for and appreciate the good qualities instead of magnifying the flaws or maybe even making them up.
Greenwashing is when when companies make misleading statements about their actions to appear more environmentally friendly than they actually are. Usually they do this so they can get something passed with the government (or maybe it is the actual government) so they’re supported by the public and affiliates.
In our private lives, it’s called virtue-signaling. Being vague about our flaws, which we all have, signaling others to our good deeds and virtuous behavior because it feels good and fills the need for affirmation as a basic human desire to be accepted and supported.
We. Have. All. Done. This. I don’t know one person who is passionate about their stance who doesn’t want people to buy into it with them as a show of majority support. It feels good to have a team behind us. Feels good to be chosen. Feels good to think we’re absolutely correct.
So what’s the responsibility of the ones being signaled? Listen. Question. Verify. Usually the truth is hidden so deep in the middle we render ourselves wrong if we align too closely with one myopic viewpoint. It’s basically a burden of self control to repress emotions in cases like these. What if the one signaling is someone we love? A close friend or family member? What if we’re unintentionally siding with something destructive or in cooperate cases, actually damaging?
Due diligence is the act of taking a comprehensive (including all elements) look at something before you buy it. If you don’t do this in real estate, you’re stuck with those problems after you close. “Caveat” (warning) “Emptor” (purchaser) is what the state of Alabama adopted, meaning you’re taking a big risk not looking into things before you buy them.
Or in life…before you buy into them. So our responsibility is to do our best to pray for discernment, discover truth, eliminate hate, promote healing, and not make things worse. And this is probably the biggest human burden of all…because sometimes it’s not what’s easy or fun or even convenient.
So when we signal…if we have those people in our lives who do question and verify our motives…keep us in check and on a path of truth and healing…we should consider ourselves blessed and fortunate even if it feels bad that they don’t pile on.
a person whose personality has a balance of extrovert and introvert features.
The outgoing introvert. We can get tired from socializing too much. We can be super flexible and are used to things changing. We love people but we don’t need to be on the go.
I don’t have a “taco Tuesday” or a favorite color. I don’t have a favorite anything, really. It’s hard to get me to commit to something outside of work and you’ll NEVER get me to plan ahead just to socialize. Basically because I just might not want to and I’d rather not hurt your feelings trying to explain that.
I LOVE an impromptu good time and I love people who have high energy but don’t drain the room with it. I love meeting people and getting to know them and I LOVE my job.
I NEED to laugh…if I can’t laugh with you I would rather sit with my dog and not laugh with him. And what I’ve noticed the most about this dichotomy of a personality I have is when I’m around uninspiring people, it drains me. It’s why those closest to me are in kill what you eat professions…they’ve learned to read the room and react accordingly for the best outcome.
So thank you to all my people who can laugh and find humor in life, who understand every second doesn’t need to be filled with talking for no reason, who love big ideas and strategies….And especially the ones who aren’t bothered by the fact that when I just Irish exit out the back door it has nothing to do with them.
In Sweden, this is called “döstädning” – organizing your life before you pass away. This is more than making sure the floors and countertops are wiped down…this is about making sure the loved ones you leave behind to deal with all of your belongings don’t have a big headache, wondering what’s important to you and what wasn’t.
But let’s talk about what you can do from beyond the grave when you’re dead and they’re not. Not a damn thing. So if it’s truly important to you who gets what and what goes where, a will is a good way to state your wishes of where your life’s earnings, real estate, and personal property go and who’s tasked with making sure your actual written wishes are met (aka the executor), but sometimes that is even not enough.
Did you know after you die the ones who think they deserve more can sue the estate with their claims of entitlement? Did you know it will be the money you leave behind that will pay the attorneys to defend your written wishes, eating away to you your actual life savings? Did you know the one you chose to be in charge of your estate can be challenged against your own calcululated wishes? Did you know that at that point it will be left up to a judge, who didn’t even know you, to decide who gets what and can actually overturn what YOU carefully wrote down after you’re not here to speak for yourself?
So what do you do about it? You CAN deed over your properties to who you want to have them and get a “life estate”…meaning you live there until you die and the deal’s already done. You can put your other properties in a trust with enough support to sustain those expenses for as many years as you like. You can give your jewelry and keepsakes to the ones you want to have each piece and do that face to face. You can write checks to the charities of your choice and people of your choice. Cash out your stocks or transfer them while you’re alive and keep enough money in your bank account to live off of comfortably. THEN make one simple bank account that is split how you want it to be split. It’s normal to have a loved one on your bank accounts in case you’re too sick to pay your bills, or even healthy and not where you can pay things. Be careful who you put on that bank account, because when you die they can claim that the money they never deposited a dollar into is theirs unless you’re specific it’s not. Just be overly specific about everything to be safe.
So if your estate is complex and you have multiple heirs…you may be creating the fall of the legacy you spent your life creating if you aren’t strategic with it’s future. If that’s important to you, that your family stay a family, especially if some were reliant on you financially, you will its survival rate dramatically unless you’re specific and have these conversations with those left behind about what you want.
Heirs…if the only thing you did was BE BORN…. anything your predecessors chose to gift you is just that…..a gift. Make your own way, provide for your own life, sustain your own business, support your own kids. Your parents don’t “owe” you anything past your launch and defying them one last time is not something you want to be known for.
Deeper Than a Puddle 