“I can’t make anyone happy” “I’m just ruining everything“ “I’ll just quit”
No. What you need to do is stop being such a baby when someone calls you out on your bullshit and accept some responsibility. Self proclaiming yourself as the victim is lazy. And it’s annoying.
Don’t like where you are, CHANGE IT. Don’t like being called out for your oversights and mistakes, STOP making them or at least learn from them.
But don’t bait someone into consoling you off a cliff because you decided to walk there. You did it, you own it, you fix it.
Don’t know how? Just ask. You could probably ask the same person you just tried to manipulate into being the cohost of your pity party and I bet they could give you some great insight…or you could spend a hot minute doing some internal auditing and identify why you are the common denominator to your bunk situation.
I think we’ve all made a siphon. Pull water from a tank into the hose (or gas if you’re super red), put the other end lower, and just watch cohesive energy and gravity do their thing in the vacuum. It sucks it right out until it’s empty or is equal to the level of where it’s going.
Some people are the same for us. They tap into our energy supply….we might push a little to them to get things going, make them feel better, but then if we’re not careful while they’re not putting effort back in to replace our spent energy – we get all tapped out. On E.
So how do we fix this? Boundaries and the art of saying no. Honing in on that discernment that tells us when we’re getting low. Identifying if what we’re pouring into is even a legit source of energy for us or if we’re just making endless deposits. Valuing our time and resources and treating them like assets we expect a return on. How are we replacing it?
Because otherwise…we’ll just run on E, feeling depleted. The ideal matches of energy are pairings that are equal but different. Different brains, iron sharpening iron, and different perspectives, all of those things can have the same energy level and make equal deposits.
Weighing our risks vs our rewards and being confident that what we offer will either be replenished by watching it multiply or be renewed.
That’s where the magic happens. So before you get siphoned dry or end up at a less than level of energy you never intended to be at (search: “codependent”)…set some “will not go below“ limits for your own self.
Redacted information is manipulation. We’ve all done it. Tell a story a certain way when you want people to agree with you, conveniently leave out little bits of it so you can control the opinion, spin doctor the outcome….Put ourselves in the light, the right, and generate a pile on of support.
But are we really doing ourselves any favors by winning favor with half truths? Is it we don’t want correction because correction won’t align with our motives?
I like to believe I surround myself with people who have pure enough intentions and are insightful enough to catch me on my spins…the ones who say “feel like there’s something missing” “Are you sure” or maybe even “have you thought about this”, but I’m sure I’ve used a conversation with limited presentation to feel better about a bad call…used my relationships as medicine before.
When we do that, it’s a mistake. It’s undercutting the whole purpose of having people, and it’s not fair to the integrity of those relationships. On the flip, if the ONLY people we have in our lives are ones who believe our spin and don’t see our blindspots – we probably need more independent thinking people around.
Bottom line is: trust your people enough with the whole truth and let them decide for themselves what they think about it. If we’re afraid of losing their spot in our life because of who we actually are….maybe revisit who you are or revisit your relationships…whichever gets us closer to living in our truth by way of trust.
Mistakes and issues are two very different things. A mistake is something we know we did wrong, something we regret, and likely a flub that won’t happen again because when we made it, we were careless or not paying attention. It’s something we don’t want to happen again and we see the error. It’s how we learn and grow.
Having an issue is a bit different. An issue will likely play on repeat, an issue isn’t something we come and say “I’m sorry” for because we don’t acknowledge the effect it had. An issue is a problem.
So when you’re choosing who to align yourself with and taking that relational inventory…really think about things that happen that cause you stress and discern if they were just a mistake or an actual issue. A mistake can be easily forgiven, maybe even overlooked with the right amount of grace…but those issues are likely there to stay unless that person puts in some work that you can’t do for them.
So if you’re choosing to involve yourself with people with unaddressed issues that affect you, the ones that give you PTSD and make you want to jump into a ceiling fan…. There’s your own issue to start putting the work into correcting.
One of my favorite things to do, but one of my LEAST FAVORITE retorts to hear.
Now let me explain because this is a little touchy…So, we prayed about it. That’s good, I think that’s what we should do. Ask for guidance, ask our friends to join us in prayer, even take a minute to process if what we’re doing is going to align us with our purpose. God isn’t going to push us in the direction of rash decision making without a plan. He won’t encourage us to be inconsiderate or careless. The solution will be clear, thoughtful, loving, considerate, well laid…most likely make us better.
God doesn’t confuse, the devil does that. He’s not manipulative or spiteful or greedy…the devil’s all those things. God brings peace, helps us plan and carefully execute. I can definitely tell when I don’t actually pray about things like I should, because the process is much more convoluted than it needs to be. There are gaps in decisions because I didn’t think them through or didn’t see them coming. There’s maybe a Screwtape in my ear I don’t want to admit exists….a blind spot I’m missing. All things God would show me if I prayed about it….and waited for understanding.
So if we’re going to use “I prayed about it” in conversation, it probably shouldn’t be presented as a “can’t argue with me now because I’ve got God on my side and you don’t” justification…. The process should match the God we prayed to for guidance. The clarity of the plan should be evident and masterful just like He is.
An answered prayer in our hearts is only something we can feel and discern. Maybe the litmus test to a true Devine reply is whether or not you’re asking Him to agree with you, imagining He did, and therefore everyone else should, too, or asking for guidance and feeling correction to do it well.
“My son, do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight, preserve sound judgment and discretion; they will be life for you, an ornament to grace your neck. Then you will go on your way in safety, and your foot will not stumble.” Proverbs 3:21-23 NIV
Love tanks. Everyone has one and everyone’s has a gauge. You can’t see it, it’s not as cut and dry as looking in the dash of you car, but it’s there. And I bet when yours is on E, it feels a lot like undervalue or confusion. But when it’s full, it feels a lot like that first magical bite of your favorite dessert or the satisfaction of accomplishing something big. It’s because you kind of have.
Life isn’t about always doing you, sometimes it’s about keeping watch over the gauges of those we love, really acknowledging when they’re getting low and being insightful to fill where we can without losing ourselves.
One of my best friends and I have it figured out. We don’t need the same type of love to fill our tanks, but we know what each other does need and the longer we’ve stayed friends, the more in tune we are with what that looks like.
So if you like the way someone makes you feel, be sure to dig in and figure out what makes them think of you as the best dessert on the buffet, too. Because there’s nothing sweeter than living a life where people are happy to have you in theirs.…even if all you can make is a little shit pie from a big pile of shit.
“You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other.” John 15:16-17 NIV
Turbidity is the measurement of how cloudy water is. If you see a beautiful creek turn brown and yuck, it’s because somewhere upstream someone’s doing some sloppy work and not keeping the dirt away from it. High turbidity.
Those fabric fences, wattles, and riprap rocks you see around a construction site, those are there to keep the loose dirt from ever getting into the water and they’re called BMPs or “Best Management Practice”. So when you see a clear creek with fish and frogs downstream from a development where they’re moving a lot of dirt…that’s low turbidity and that’s good.
It’s responsible, it’s considerate, it’s smart, but it’s also expensive to keep up BMPs. In the construction world…it’s actually wrong not to and involves fines when you don’t. Even if they fail because of rain or any other reason. Because it’s important. Animals suffocate and fresh water sources dam up with silt otherwise.
Life’s no different. Things happen, improvements need to be made, “dirt” needs to be moved. It’s our human responsibility to have some best management practices in place so we keep our dirt where it’s supposed to be so we don’t affect or destroy beautiful things downstream. Sometimes it’s expensive and sometimes we don’t want to bother with it. But containing your construction site is important.
So when the opportunity arises or the need for change is evident in your life…evaluate how your movements will affect the people and relationships around you. Are they live giving, supportive, considerate, and clear? Low turbidity. Or are they sloppy, careless, and making otherwise clear things and people cloudy. High turbidity.
Think about your breakfast one morning when you have some time to ruminate what it actually took to get all that to your plate. The chicken’s involved, but the pig’s committed.
One day you’ll have a decision to make in your life where you have to choose what you are. Probably more than one if your life is full. These decisions reveal your character, your values, and which level of trust you can expect people to have in you, what kind of life you’re building…
Are you dipping a toe in while someone’s giving it their all? Or are you going straight to slaughter while they’re just laying an egg?
Are you creating solid ground for a foundation? Are you being honest with where your decisions are taking you? Do you have people to check you? Whatever your method before you commit is, be sure it’s fair and pray it’s reciprocal.
Because no one wants to be the crispy fried pig hemmed up with a healthy egg producing chicken.
Someone asked me the other day what part of my life I’d go back to.
I think not one. I would love to have a day or two visit back to a few parts of my life but I can’t think of one part of my life I’d want a do-over for or one that I love more than the life I’m living right now.
People have asked me what my biggest regret is…is it weird to say none? It’s hard to learn and grow if you’re not making mistakes so I can’t think of one I’d like to change.
They all taught me something more about what I did NOT want which clarifies more of what I do want?
Lessons or blessings. That’s about the sum of life. Both are awesome, both are necessary. So before you get all sad about where you are, stop and think about where you’ve been and how much you’ve learned because of it.
Chances are 100% that if you’re on a dangerous road, there have been plenty of warning signs before you get to the 500′ cliff where the “end of construction” sign is. Choosing to ignore them will put you in a big time mess that was completely avoidable.
God will give you 1,000+ detours & warning signs. His word, messages at church, the Holy Spirit…& the ones we don’t expect in people. Filtering through the good v bad influences is easy: one speaks the truth (based on God’s truth) and the other doesn’t (based on the world’s self serving theories). Voila!
“I need someone to mediate between God and me, as a person mediates between friends. For soon I must go down that road from which I will never return.”
Deeper Than a Puddle 