I was watching two little boys play yesterday, taking turns jumping off of a bench, and I hear “Get out of my way” from one to the other. Well, that wasn’t very nice.
I called that little boy over and said, “Okay, I’m going to say the same thing to you in two different ways and I want you tell me which one sounds nicer. ‘Get out of my way’ or ‘Excuse me, please’. Now, you tell me which one sounds nicer.” Little boy responds, “Excuse me, please.” It didn’t take him long to decide, either. And he’s four.
When they went back to playing the other little boy kept getting in the way, and I heard “Excuse me, please” about a half a dozen more times. The other would still move, but the outcome was the same as if he’d said “Get out of my way”. It was just a nicer way to do it.
Moving into adulthood, the same concept applies. Why demand something of someone you could request as a favor? Most of the time, people are happy to do for us what we present in a respectful way and they’re more willing to oblige when they’re asked rather than when they’re instructed.
Remember when you prayed for the things you have now? Enough money to buy groceries, a home, a car, to have a family and meaningful friendships, or to start your own business…Remember praying for those things?
I do. I remember praying for my own real estate company, for my kids to make their way, for more freedom with my finances. I remember those prayers well.
What I forget sometimes is that God answered those prayers. I forget how it felt to hope and to ask God to show me how to make a way. To wonder if those prayers would ever be answered. How quickly I’m able to forget when I’m focused on wanting more, accustomed to having prayers answered, what I used to want so badly.
This season of gratitude, I hope we can all quiet our minds long enough to remember how fortunate we are. Even if we have some prayers still on our list, that we can be thankful for the answered prayers we said long ago.
Serious question. Where’s your joy? Is it in sitting by a fire having good conversation? Having coffee with a friend who knows you inside and out? Watching your family enjoy the meal you prepared? Finishing a project you started? Those are the ones that come to my mind.
So the same places it comes from are the places we feel it missing the most. What do we do when we feel the void? When friends can’t coordinate schedules and when we’re actually by ourselves?
If your joy is reliant on other people to maintain it, on the reactions and affirmation of others…. Your joy will always feel small because that’s not YOUR joy.
For me, true joy comes from the mindset I have when I don’t depend on others to fill it or even participate. Cooking a meal and giving it away. Taking coffee to a friend and knowing they don’t have time to talk. Sitting by a fire and enjoying a peaceful moment. Or finishing a project by myself.
I’ve found if I’m waiting on others to fill my joy, it never works out. Find that something you can do without needing the credit, attention, or time of others, that thing that makes your heart smile…and do it often.
If you’ve read these for a bit or you’ve known me for a long time, then you know I was raised in a big (5 kids) Catholic family. We all went Catholic school and grew up in Catholic Church.
When I became a mother, I was tasked with choosing a church and a way for my kids and that’s when I realized that duty carried a lot of responsibility. Choosing for someone else hits differently.
And choosing who your kids are around affects how they turn out. I couldn’t afford private school so I knew the church I plugged them in to would be the place where I gave them the biggest peer influence. Back 18 years ago, the youth program wasn’t a thing at our sweet little church in Leeds, but it was a big thing right down the street at a non denominational church.
So we visited, the kids loved it, I loved it, and I was in a “what’s best for my family” vs “don’t want to disappoint the family” conflict. If you’ve ever been Catholic or raised one way then you know what this feels like. It feels like you’re betraying something or saying what you had wasn’t good enough and that wasn’t the case.
The best advice I ever got was from my priest, Father Jim. Of course I went to him, scared and nervous about the idea of leaving the church. Of course I expected him to urge me to “stick to the plan” but I never expected him to say this…
“You go where you grow.” He told me not to worry about disappointing anyone, that they could take it up with him and for me to go to a church where I grew as a mother, where my children grew as Christians, where I would do what was best for MY family.
To have a priest see the bigger picture and be willing to love me and support me through it was one of the kindest and most selfless acts I’d ever seen. Because if him, I raised my kids with confidence and resources I wasn’t afraid to use, we grew as a family, we hosted small groups and I think I fed hundreds of meals to my kids and their friends, all while listening to them talk about life and their love of Jesus and make connections.
I would have never branched out had it not been for Father Jim. He passed on almost ten years ago, and this is a memory of him I love to share with anyone who feels trapped or guilty for doing something different.
Sometimes we get mad, hurt, and disappointed. People act dumb, careless, and inconsiderate.
But what about when they don’t? What about the times we get worked up, fill in our own blanks, make the ending up, and then get pissed at the story we wrote ourselves.
It didn’t actually happen. If it didn’t even happen, why are you even mad? Why waste energy and time on make believe? Why expect the worst and react like you were done wrong when 👏 nothing 👏 was 👏 actually 👏 done 👏 to 👏 you.
Let’s do better at practicing the art of seeing what actually happens and not what we think someone’s going to do in the future and live in a world where we think they did it.
That’s a spirit of rejection we choose to live in and it’s time to break free from it.
As I sit here in my living room with 3” of glitter roots and look at my hands typing this that don’t look soft and smooth like they used to, I’m really asking myself “When is it okay to be old?”
Really. When is it okay to love those wrinkles around your eyes from laughing? Look at the skin on your legs and see freckles you didn’t used to have? When’s it okay to stop dying your hair and love the days God gave you for it to turn? Not want to use the “smooth” filter when you take a picture? When’s it okay to stop trying to stay young when time is literally showing you you’re not?
I say the time is exactly when you are ready. If you feel young when you put effort into looking young, go for it. If you’re ready to embrace the natural state of your body, go for it. Don’t let social pressure push you into more work or push you away from your inner youth.
You care for yourself exactly how you see fit. When you’re ready, let the wrinkles detox from the Botox, let the hair dye stay on the shelf, and let your body age the way God designed it to be.
But until then…don’t feel bad for wanting your outside self to match your inner 22 year old and don’t feel bad for feeling better about yourself when you do.
I’ll be loading on all the creams, setting that timer for 45 minutes so I get that good color coverage, and putting on my lash serum tomorrow….because this soon to be granny just isn’t ready quite to look like a granny. Tried it…didn’t like it.
Back in 2014, my son was in high school, I was a single mom and we just didn’t share the same hobbies. He liked to hunt and watch anything sports related and I liked to cook what he hunted and watch him play sports. We were close, we had a good relationship, but we weren’t really doing anything “together”. And I wanted more conversations with him to stay plugged in to his life.
So I asked him to do a fantasy football team with me. Not because I loved football, but because I love my son. We laughed a lot, mainly because I was totally terrible at it, but we talked so much more because of the different way we found to connect.
It’s not always about doing your favorite thing. Sometimes it’s about doing anything with your favorite people. Effort means something. And if you want to be in someone’s circle of influence, you’ve got to try.
Here’s a snippet of our text conversations, they still make me laugh when they pop up in my memories. On this day way back in 2014, eight years ago.
When we assume, we’re relying on the information we have to feel a certain way about how things turned out. But what if we don’t have all the information?
What if that friend didn’t call you back like they said they would because their kid got sick and puked all over the couch and while they were cleaning that up they burned the chicken casserole? What if they’re not actually mad at you, just overwhelmed. I’ve definitely done that and it’s never ill will that’s behind the oops.
All kinds of what ifs could happen going into someone doing or not doing something we thought they would, so why not offer them the benefit of our doubt (not generic “the” doubt, own it because it’s ours) and if we’re going to assume, assume in such a way it doesn’t include anyone being an a$$.
Maybe they’re just doing the best they can, maybe the spirit of rejection we have has nothing to do with them, and maybe we need to be the ones reaching out asking if they’re okay. Most of the time, the lack of understanding is from the lack of effort to understand.
Consequences or ITTT (if this, then that) usually follow logic, rhyme, reason, cause and effect, and are generally related to some normal reaction or consequence to a decision. You know what you’re getting into because the logic flows and is pretty clear. And it’s usually your own fault.
You speed, you get a speeding ticket. You eat too much, you get fat. Your kid doesn’t clean his room, kid doesn’t go play outside. Etc.
A threat is generally a promise to react harshly if your decision doesn’t align with someone or a promise to “hold off” from that reaction if your decision does.
“You don’t want to mess with me or I’ll make you pay for it.” Or simply put: dirty politics.
That’s how do you tell the difference. A threat feels gross. It feels manipulative. It feels unfair and unjustified. It feels trappy and cagey. The action and the reaction are generally unrelated.
I’ve got no real good words on how to deal with threats, but I’ve found knowing the difference helps in deciding who I want around me or who I want to get tangled up in business with.
There are no time limits to being a mother. No age where you suddenly set your children aside, no moment where you stop considering the effect of your decisions on their lives, and no second you wake up and your heart doesn’t feel like it’s walking outside your body.
Being a mother is a lifestyle, not a chapter in your life’s book. It’s who you are, a non-negotiable fact, and the most fulfilling and influential thing you’ll ever be. Being a mother is irreplaceable to the ones God gave you.
I pray daily that I don’t fall short in that one area of my life, that I’m not careless or reckless with the hearts of my children. I have faith that everything else will work out the way He sees fit and trust in whatever that means.
“As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you.” Isaiah 66:13
Deeper Than a Puddle 