Find Ways to Connect

Back in 2014, my son was in high school, I was a single mom and we just didn’t share the same hobbies. He liked to hunt and watch anything sports related and I liked to cook what he hunted and watch him play sports. We were close, we had a good relationship, but we weren’t really doing anything “together”. And I wanted more conversations with him to stay plugged in to his life.

So I asked him to do a fantasy football team with me. Not because I loved football, but because I love my son. We laughed a lot, mainly because I was totally terrible at it, but we talked so much more because of the different way we found to connect.

It’s not always about doing your favorite thing. Sometimes it’s about doing anything with your favorite people. Effort means something. And if you want to be in someone’s circle of influence, you’ve got to try.

Here’s a snippet of our text conversations, they still make me laugh when they pop up in my memories. On this day way back in 2014, eight years ago.

Ass-U-Me, pronounced “assooome”

When we assume, we’re relying on the information we have to feel a certain way about how things turned out. But what if we don’t have all the information?

What if that friend didn’t call you back like they said they would because their kid got sick and puked all over the couch and while they were cleaning that up they burned the chicken casserole? What if they’re not actually mad at you, just overwhelmed. I’ve definitely done that and it’s never ill will that’s behind the oops.

All kinds of what ifs could happen going into someone doing or not doing something we thought they would, so why not offer them the benefit of our doubt (not generic “the” doubt, own it because it’s ours) and if we’re going to assume, assume in such a way it doesn’t include anyone being an a$$.

Maybe they’re just doing the best they can, maybe the spirit of rejection we have has nothing to do with them, and maybe we need to be the ones reaching out asking if they’re okay. Most of the time, the lack of understanding is from the lack of effort to understand.

Are Threats Different Than Consequences?

Consequences or ITTT (if this, then that) usually follow logic, rhyme, reason, cause and effect, and are generally related to some normal reaction or consequence to a decision. You know what you’re getting into because the logic flows and is pretty clear. And it’s usually your own fault.

You speed, you get a speeding ticket. You eat too much, you get fat. Your kid doesn’t clean his room, kid doesn’t go play outside. Etc.

A threat is generally a promise to react harshly if your decision doesn’t align with someone or a promise to “hold off” from that reaction if your decision does.

“You don’t want to mess with me or I’ll make you pay for it.” Or simply put: dirty politics.

That’s how do you tell the difference. A threat feels gross. It feels manipulative. It feels unfair and unjustified. It feels trappy and cagey. The action and the reaction are generally unrelated.

I’ve got no real good words on how to deal with threats, but I’ve found knowing the difference helps in deciding who I want around me or who I want to get tangled up in business with.

Motherhood – A Forever Job

There are no time limits to being a mother. No age where you suddenly set your children aside, no moment where you stop considering the effect of your decisions on their lives, and no second you wake up and your heart doesn’t feel like it’s walking outside your body.

Being a mother is a lifestyle, not a chapter in your life’s book. It’s who you are, a non-negotiable fact, and the most fulfilling and influential thing you’ll ever be. Being a mother is irreplaceable to the ones God gave you.

I pray daily that I don’t fall short in that one area of my life, that I’m not careless or reckless with the hearts of my children. I have faith that everything else will work out the way He sees fit and trust in whatever that means.

“As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you.” Isaiah 66:13

The Rest of the Serenity Prayer

A positive, but realistic, attitude is inspirational and breathes life into a garbage can situation. There’s no power or influence in being a complainer or a negative word spewer. Being a realist doesn’t mean being harsh, it means you understand, advise, and see how to adjust accordingly to realize the best possible outcome.

The Serenity Prayer’s first verse we all know lays out the idea, but that *second one we might not know is where the directions are…. it’s just not as easily remembered because there’s not enough room for it on the plaque at HomeGoods.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

*Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Reinhold Niebuhr

If I Just Had One More….

When someone dies what I hear most people say is “if I just had one more ____”.

One more hug, one more walk, one more bit of advice, one more camping trip, one more coffee, one more cold beer, one more sunset cruise, just one more time to do that one thing with the person we love.

Today marks one year of the last time I saw my grandmother, last picture, last laugh, last bit of advice, last cold beer…today is the day I’m one of those people who thinks “I wish I just had one more” of any of those things because I miss all of them.

I was never sad for her to go to Heaven. That’s what she wanted, what she lived her life for. Her and my granddad created a legacy. She had a wonderful, fun filled, full life of love and laughter and everything she probably dreamed of as a little girl. But, I was sad for me and for my kids, my family and her friends who all wanted more time and all miss her, too.

So we can take these moments of wanting one more, while being unproductive in that emotion, and turn them into moments of giving one more, giving bits of happiness to others and creating memories with them.

To everyone feeling a little sad over wanting more with someone they lost, try and think of the things that you do to make people feel special and then go give one more away.

Because one day someone will want one more with you, too.

One last picture. My oldest, Alex, and his great grandmother, “BJ” on this day, 2021.

Is Social Media Making You Sad?

Is social media making you sad? There’s a good chance it might have something to do with it.

Everyone looking all happy and successful, with perfect children and perfect marriages…on perfect trips in perfect cars with perfect friends who give perfect advice and the perfect gift for no reason.

We have to know all that is only a very small part of someone’s real life. We have to know everyone struggles. And we have to know just because not everyone’s likes to advertise those things, it doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

So don’t be sad. Don’t feel inadequate or behind, and don’t feel left out. You can feel happy for someone else without feeling sad for yourself when you remember just because it didn’t make it to the highlight reel of social media doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

Your life doesn’t suck. You’re just on social media too much.

They Always Look For You

Our kids…They ALWAYS look for us. And here’s something else moms…. they always LISTEN for us, too. If you think that boy on the wrestling mat isn’t listening for his mama to love on him from the stands, you are wrong. I’m not talking coach mom-style calling out moves, I’m talking about yelling your child’s name with the love and tone he will always hear and be encouraged by.

My now twenty four year old, Alex, was a big wrestler all through school. I tried one time during a big match to be silent because some a-hole dad told me I was “too loud” and he “couldn’t hear his coach”. But my son came off the mat, bee lined over to me, and asked me why I didn’t yell for him. “What? I didn’t think you could hear me anyway and I didn’t want to mess you up.” to that he replied, “Mama, I always hear you.”

All that to say… there were hundreds of other matches where he didn’t acknowledge my presence, but the one time he sensed my absence was memorable. It’s the same thing. Don’t think because you don’t get gushed all over for doing what God put you here to do (love on your child the way THEY feel it), that you shouldn’t be doing it. Don’t you ever label your encouragement irrelevant. The sound of your voice is relevant. You being within eyesight after the big win AND the big loss is relevant.

Our presence and absence as parents is an opportunity wrapped up in a gift of finite time. Go to the games! Scream their names! Be present and EARN that position God put you in as their life coach. The “Hey mama, what do you think about .” “Hey mama, what should I do about ____.” “Hey mama, listen to this….” phone calls and sit downs you get from them as adults are what you earn from that time spent with them as children.

But Will He Give You the Last Piece of Chicken?

You may have heard the saying about mothers…

A Mother Is A Person Who, Seeing There Are Only Four Pieces Of A Pie For Five People, Promptly Announces She Never Did Care For Pie.

Tenneva Jordan

I love this quote because it’s so accurate in how mothers love and sacrifice for their families. So, when I was talking to one of my builders years ago about a guy I was dating and he asked me, “but will he give you the last piece of chicken?” it really made me question things.

The answer was no, that particular guy wouldn’t have. He would have eaten it and then asked me to go get some more. It had never been broken down for me like that, but when I thought about how that mentality would bleed into other parts of our future…I was quickly unimpressed and I ended it.

The goal is to find someone who treats you well and sees your needs, who would let you have the last piece of chicken… since you never did care for pie.

If I Agree With You….

If I agree with you to appease you, and you’re wrong…that makes us both wrong. Ouch.

Sometimes we think being a peacemaker means agreeing, but if agreeing makes the both of you wrong, is that the side you want to be on?

It’s perfectly okay to respectfully disagree or minimum to say “I’m going to have to think on that”. Don’t be more fearful of the outburst from the one you’re debating with than you are of offending your own morals.